Back to School Confidential for Teens
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Thursday, 17 December 2015
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Back to school can be a tricky time for lots of reasons,
especially if you have changed over the summer. You and your friends may
look different in the fall than you did when you left school in May.
You may be darker from spending time outside or have braids from your
trip to the beach, you may be stronger from your summer job or
wilderness camp, you may have a new hair cut or new clothes. If you had a
growth spurt over the summer, you may be a different size or shape.
It can be stressful to wonder what others will think of your new look, especially if you are already self-conscious or you hang with a group that tends to judge people's looks. Hopefully your friends are your friends because you like each other, have fun together, support each other, and feel good about yourself when you're with them. Even if you haven't changed at all, or you feel like the only one who is worried about what others will think of your new look, the truth is, everyone wants to be liked and accepted.
When you see your friends for the first time after the summer, maybe you could say things like, "I am SO glad to see you!" and give them a hug or a high-five, instead of saying how good they look. Grown-ups comment on each other's looks (especially weight) all the time, but it's not a very grown-up thing to do. When we say "You look so good!" to someone, we usually mean that we're so glad to see them, but we are in a bad habit of not saying what we mean. Even though "You look so good!" is a compliment, it's a negative if we are only focusing on someone's appearance over all their other qualities. The problem is that it's the easiest thing to focus on at first glance, and sometimes we fall back on appearance comments when we don't have anything else to say.
If one of your friends says, "Did you see so-and-so? Did you see how she looks?" or "What happened to her over the summer?" you could say, "I feel self-conscious about looking different this year, let's not talk about how people look right now," "I'm trying not to gossip this year," or something like that. It may be easier to just say, "I like the way that looks" or "Yeah, but she's brave for dying her hair blue" or some other comment that turns a negative into a positive.
If you are the person making those mean comments, remember they don't just affect the person you're talking about - in fact that person may not ever know. But comments about others will make your friends think you're judging them, too, and although they may joke about it in front of you, they probably feel self-conscious inside and maybe even scared that you are going to talk about them when they're not around. In the end, negative comments about other people can make you feel cool at first, but they usually make you and the people around you feel worse later.
Usually we think that the person who bad-mouths others thinks they're so much better than everyone, but usually it's the exact opposite. The person judging feels so insecure that they have to point out other people's flaws so no one will notice theirs. You never know what is going on inside someone else. No matter how together or cool someone looks on the outside, it may not match their feelings. A person who really feels good inside doesn't have to cut other people down to feel better.
The saying "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me," is so untrue. If you've ever found out that people have been talking about you behind your back, or if you've ever been teased right to your face, you know that words can hurt a lot. Even small comments. I know changing is hard, and feeling different is hard, too. Even grown-ups have a hard time pointing out to our friends that what they are doing hurts. But when we are feeling grown-up, we do, because judging people on their looks hurts all of us, and it's worth it to make the change.
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It can be stressful to wonder what others will think of your new look, especially if you are already self-conscious or you hang with a group that tends to judge people's looks. Hopefully your friends are your friends because you like each other, have fun together, support each other, and feel good about yourself when you're with them. Even if you haven't changed at all, or you feel like the only one who is worried about what others will think of your new look, the truth is, everyone wants to be liked and accepted.
When you see your friends for the first time after the summer, maybe you could say things like, "I am SO glad to see you!" and give them a hug or a high-five, instead of saying how good they look. Grown-ups comment on each other's looks (especially weight) all the time, but it's not a very grown-up thing to do. When we say "You look so good!" to someone, we usually mean that we're so glad to see them, but we are in a bad habit of not saying what we mean. Even though "You look so good!" is a compliment, it's a negative if we are only focusing on someone's appearance over all their other qualities. The problem is that it's the easiest thing to focus on at first glance, and sometimes we fall back on appearance comments when we don't have anything else to say.
If one of your friends says, "Did you see so-and-so? Did you see how she looks?" or "What happened to her over the summer?" you could say, "I feel self-conscious about looking different this year, let's not talk about how people look right now," "I'm trying not to gossip this year," or something like that. It may be easier to just say, "I like the way that looks" or "Yeah, but she's brave for dying her hair blue" or some other comment that turns a negative into a positive.
If you are the person making those mean comments, remember they don't just affect the person you're talking about - in fact that person may not ever know. But comments about others will make your friends think you're judging them, too, and although they may joke about it in front of you, they probably feel self-conscious inside and maybe even scared that you are going to talk about them when they're not around. In the end, negative comments about other people can make you feel cool at first, but they usually make you and the people around you feel worse later.
Usually we think that the person who bad-mouths others thinks they're so much better than everyone, but usually it's the exact opposite. The person judging feels so insecure that they have to point out other people's flaws so no one will notice theirs. You never know what is going on inside someone else. No matter how together or cool someone looks on the outside, it may not match their feelings. A person who really feels good inside doesn't have to cut other people down to feel better.
The saying "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me," is so untrue. If you've ever found out that people have been talking about you behind your back, or if you've ever been teased right to your face, you know that words can hurt a lot. Even small comments. I know changing is hard, and feeling different is hard, too. Even grown-ups have a hard time pointing out to our friends that what they are doing hurts. But when we are feeling grown-up, we do, because judging people on their looks hurts all of us, and it's worth it to make the change.
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